The Barn

It was a box. Just a standard, semi-shiny rectangular box, the kind you get games in at Cole Brothers. There seemed to be nothing in it, it was light. Empty. “This is your intelligence”, said the man. “Do you want to read the ingredients?” I looked up and down the side of the box. There was some professional writing on the side. Blurb like sentences describing the contents. “Dee comes from labourer stock, has border-line intelligence which saw her through dull and uneventful school days where she performed glaringly average. She went on to achieve an average degree in what is considered a Mickey Mouse subject….” The man turned to the other and smirked. … “and this strangely, gave her the impetus to go on to perform acts of mild subversion, political activism and non-violent direct action. Which has led her here.” They looked at me, expectantly. “How does that make you feel?” one asked. This one wasn’t the one who brought me in. This one was older with a head full of grey stubble and craggy skin. The younger one had an old fashioned punkish flat-top with mother of pearl wide-screen glasses and full lips.

“It doesn’t make me feel anything really. It’s sort of funny, but that’s it. Should I feel unhappy about it?”

“Funny? Funny? said stubble head, turning as red as his dead blood vessels would allow. “This is your life, Dee. This is what it has amounted to. You think that’s funny?”

“Does anyone know I’m here?” she asked. “No Dee.” said Flat-top. “No-one knows”. “They would know by now” she said. “No, they don’t.” He said.

She had come down the stairs of her house to find the front door wide open and the woman in the house opposite looking directly at her through her own front door. She was ashen faced in her white night-dress, shaking her head. “Curtain twitcher” Dee mouthed at her smiling, but felt uneasy, like there was someone in the house. It felt a little like the time she and Emm were burgled, but there was nothing missing, yet.

Suddenly from the back of the house, a man emerged from the yard, and said forcefully, but not impolitely, that she was to go with him. The house would be searched while she was held at a secret location until they saw fit to let her go.

Dee struggled, naturally. She was thinking about what the penalty was for possession of cannabis these days as she was dragged out of the house backwards, her eyes trained on a small circular silver receptacle with some skunk inside wrapped in a torn off piece of red silk from a handkerchief Emm bought once to do some magic with.

“It’s a tiny compacted thumb nail of stuff – it’s nothing!” she said out loud. “What did you say?” said Flat-top. “I’m saying nothing” she replied.

She was blind-folded and shoved into the back of a small white van. When the blind-fold was removed she found herself in a cattle pen with the cows removed. There were no associated smells and no sound. She was wedged behind a metal compartment used for injecting beasts. There was a fence like construct in front of her, beyond which she could see an expanse of barn. The compartment was elongated and behind it were doors spaced ten feet apart. She edged towards one of them in the confined space, sliding her back along the chalky wall and guiding herself along the fence with her hands. Eventually she backed into one of the doors.

The room was musty and filled with every item and article of possession of hers throughout her life from her teenage years. There were dirty old teddy bears on shelves, with diaries and jewellery, odd items of clothing and a bicycle in the corner.

She turned around and saw stubble head with Flat-top, standing with their hands clenched behind their backs. Flat-top still suited, and stubble head smart casual in chinos and cotton shirt. Maybe they were doing a nice/nasty routine. Maybe one was the man in black and the other the laid-back mastermind of the operation.

“I want to phone my mother.” she said. “That’s fine.” said stubble head. “Go get her the phone.” Flat-top produced one from behind his back and dialled for her.

“Hello mum!” she said. “Hello love, are you alright?” “Yes. But I’ve been brought in mum. Does Emm know I’m here?” “Yes, he knows. He’s fretting a bit.” “Mum, I don’t know when I’ll get out.” “I know love.

“Dee love, can you remember the names of those people you went to Menwith Hill with last year? They called and left a message for you, but didn’t leave their names.”

Dee paused. Mum’s voice had suddenly become slightly lighter and less grainy. “Who the hell is this?” she shouted down the phone. It went dead, and Flat-top took it from her. “That’s the only phone call you’ll be able to make.” he said.

“I want some representation. I demand it. It’s my right”. “I’m afraid you can’t have any.” He said, “You’re not in prison you know”, and they left the room.

She sat down on a stool. It wasn’t anything that had belonged to her. She looked around and saw shelves full of things that did. “They’ve been studying me for a long time. So this is why things just disappear when you move house. Strange, but I wouldn’t have believed they did this to common or garden activists like me, if it wasn’t for the Lobster.” From beneath the door, an A4 laminated sheet emerged. She picked it up. “You have been admitted to The Barn” it read, followed by, “It has been brought to our attention that you have wilfully exposed yourself to unhelpful elements in society, and that you are contaminated with a fatal dose of the ‘the Bigger Picture’. Your inoculation against this at University has failed; therefore you must be monitored here until you are fully recovered.

Attendants at The Barn are fully aware of your delusion that the Lobster exists. It is a symptom of your illness, and will hopefully be cured. Our staff are friendly and helpful and willing to assist your recovery. They have put this room together for your reflection, and to aid your return to a former state.

We hope your stay here will be productive. We will see you soon.

The Window and the White Sky

A great roaring surged through her ears as the fluid gushed from one side to the other. She lurched around like a tree being battered in the wind, but managed, with mounting vertigo, to place one foot before the other, down the stairs. As soon as she began to do this, momentum built quickly and in a second she was running. Huge, bounding leaps catapulted her into the air. Two, three steps at a time she covered, and the staircase became windier. Round and round it went, the darkened space in the middle darkening, with no sight of the floor beyond. There seemed to be no end.

Suddenly there was an end, and Dee hit it with the full force of her body as she missed the bottom step. The wood was hard and cold, and her shoulder splintered. Strangely, she managed to fly up and out of the painful landing, and into the living room. There, she paused, while the room continued to spin. Dee held her arms horizontally, and then to her ears, waiting for the ebb. Beth walked into the room, providing the distraction Dee needed to get a grip. “Heeelllooo Beeeetthhh.” said Dee. Beth’s green eyes widened at the sight of Dee. She looked puzzled for a second and decided to skirt around her. Dee watched her sprint lithely round the corner to the kitchen and followed. In turn, Dee was also followed, but it took some minutes to realise what was going on.

Another cat walked in, tortoise and white, and padded around her, watching. A dog came in with a ridged back and did the same and so did another with spots. Two more cats, four more dogs, a rabbit. They walked around her, looking. Were they smiling? The room was too full for Dee and she bolted through the kitchen door into the street. It was daylight, she was sure. The sky was slate grey and raining fat rain. A woman was waiting for her at the end of her gate. Dee went with her further into the street and they met up with Emm. By the time they’d got into town, the only thing the woman had said was to Emm “are those the marks of electrodes around your eyes?” and she pointed on them, making Emm pull back annoyed. He obviously didn’t know what the hell she was banging on about, but then they were there at the foot of the city hall steps. The pillars were black with a mixture of dirt and paint, and beneath the doorways, cobwebs as big and as thick as ponchos hung, full spread and opaque.

Others had broken up and hung like rags around the corners and the walls. The pointing was blackened. On the far side of the building, a small boy, dressed like a chimney sweep was rubbing the mortar with his fingers, one at a time.

Dee pulled back, not with a force of her own. She stepped backwards into the kitchen, and found Emm in the living room, where the furniture had been rearranged. “What’s happened here?”

“Yes. I got a call from you on my mobile. At least I thought it was you. It was very strange. Some things got broken and I had to change the room.”

“Right, right. I’m going back to bed alright?”

Dee woke up, swirling, with Beth on the bed. Dee’s voice was heavy again when she spoke, “Beeeeth, whaaat’s gooooowwwwing ooooooon?” Beth didn’t answer, but padded over to her face, and pointed her silky black nose at Dee’s until her eyes crossed and their mouths met. Beth gave Dee a sweet little kiss, and disappeared, leaving Dee half sat up in bed. She looked out of the window and transferred her swirling to the outside of the house. A brick wall with tattered bill stickers chugged by like a train. It was on all three sides of the bedroom, spinning round. Dee forced a strangulated, staccato bleat. “Emm, Emm, Emm……..Eemmmm.”

Dee heard Emm’s voice cry out a reply from the bottom of the stairs, but he didn’t come up. She tried again, and woke up panting.

Looking around the bedroom, Dee reasoned that it seemed OK. Nothing wobbled or spun. Pulling herself up into a half sit, she groaned with relief at the headache she felt coming on. But sleep was now out of the question, however groggy she still was. “No way am I going back there.” She thought. She lay back again in bed with her eyes open, wondering when her body would respond to her request. Some moments of emptiness passed and she re-focussed. The clock said seven fifteen. The alarm wasn’t due to go off for another hour and a quarter, but sleep was not an option.

The futon was a great launch pad, thankfully. Dee purposefully rolled over to the edge and fell out. No choice now; she was up.

Catching herself in the bathroom mirror, she stopped for second, to try and understand her face. Moving on, she went to inspect any mail that might have landed on the kitchen floor. It was too early for the postman yet, but it was an excuse to take in the room. Everything had been put back to its original place. Not that it had been moved at all, just that Dee wanted to relax a little. She felt uneasy. Coffee was not a good idea in this condition. It was a myth, at least for Dee, so she made some Earl Grey, and entertained the thought that lemon in place of milk would be healthier. She would eat some vitamin C later. With steaming tea cupped in hands, Dee’s body loosened itself from it’s distress, and the tension fell away. She watched the steam billow from her mouth and followed the trail to the window and the white sky.

“Must’ve missed Emm this morning.” She thought. “He’ll ring later.” She hoped. It was her birthday, and she hadn’t said anything to Emm, or written it slyly on the wall calendar. That was too obvious. They’d been together for a year, so this was a test in a way. She knew she shouldn’t do this to him, but, she wouldn’t be mad. No she wouldn’t be mad.

“Beth.” She shouted. “Come on Beth, breakfast time, where are you?” Dee hummed a little tune with her lips closed while she busied herself with the food and anticipated the small sound of padding feet. “Crikey Beth, have you got boots on this morning?” she laughed nervously as several heavy plods became louder as they descended the stairs.

“No, they’re just my sneakers.” Said Beth, tutting and shaking her head condescendingly and rolling her eyes around in her head all at once. She passed Dee in the kitchen and sat down in the living room, legs sprawled from the couch in stripey tights, and fanned her fingers in front of her face. “My nails need trimming. Mum, where are the nail clippers?”

Dee didn’t say anything. She was rooted to the spot where she held the packet of food. The single portion packet. The one that meant she didn’t have to waste half a can because she’d only normally eat the jelly, and the single portion that meant she didn’t have to dirty a fork by scooping it out. She could squeeze this one. It would come out in one whole piece; the chunks of rabbit and peas inside caught in amber for eternity.

“What’s wrong with you? Look, I’ve got to be out in five minutes, I’ll grab something on the way. Let me get my coat yeh. Will you move? Mum, I’ve really got to go. For Christ’s sake mum, let me get my coat.” Beth pushed past Dee and grabbed her coat from the hook on the back of the kitchen door. “You’re getting worse, I’m certain.” She said, and slammed the door behind her.

Dee put the food back down on the table, gently, and stared at it for some time. Obviously a process of acclimatisation had to finish its course, if it had in fact begun.

She tried a making a sound, to see if her voice was still there, and it came out like a forced whisper. Somehow it seemed better to be quiet and save some energy.

There were synapses misfiring in her head. She imagined she could see them flailing around like pressured hose pipes, sparking and snapping and fizzling out. It would take a certain amount of concentration to stop them, and make them re-wire, fuse back together. It would take a certain amount of sitting down. The light outside shifted hue as the clouds passed. Dee’s pupils dilated and contracted accordingly while thoughts were re-adjusted, patterns re-set. It had to be done because she could feel the breeze on the back of her neck as the wind swirled in from the street.

“Where did Beth go when she went out in the morning?” It occurred to her, that she didn’t know, and had never known. “But she’s my…she’s my own daughter. Isn’t she? Is she my daughter? Who are you?”

“Are you OK Dee? I was waiting for you at the gate this morning. You said we’d catch the bus to town together. I could’ve got a lift from John you know. He says it’s fine till we get the car back on the road. Are you ill? I’ve come home for lunch. Since I got no message from you I thought I might as well. Are you going to work this afternoon, or are you taking the whole day off?”

It was a tall woman in a flowing, flowered sarong, with short, spikey pink hair. She was wearing cherry Doc Martens with hiking socks. Dee had never seen her before in her life, and she was in the fridge.

“Is it lunchtime already?” said Dee.

“Is this quiche opened?” said the woman holding the packet out to show Dee. “I know it’s full of salt and fat, and I know what you said about men having apple stomach’s and women being pears, but it was you who bought it.” The woman sat at the kitchen table opposite Dee, with the quiche on a plate. “I haven’t got an apple stomach have I Dee?”

Dee stumbled around for some words. After a beat she said, “You’re not a man.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Have I offended you again?” The woman put the quiche back on the plate and looked solemnly at it. “We’ve been together a year now Dee. I know you’ve been feeling a bit under the weather lately, and I have tried to understand, really I have. I want to be with you. I want to get to know you better and have a life with you. Give me a chance. Will you give me a chance Dee?”

“Yes of course I will. I’m sorry.”

The woman resumed eating her quiche, but looked at Dee from time to time. She smiled. “I haven’t seem Emm this morning Dee, have you fed him?”

“I don’t know. What does he eat?”

“Don’t be daft Dee. He eats what we eat. What did you have for breakfast?”

“I had a cup of Earl Grey.”

“Well, he won’t touch the lemon, but you can put him a drop of milk down, and he’ll get it when he’s ready.”

“Yes, I’ll do that then shall I? What does he look like?”

“Have you been drinking again Dee? He’s short, black and ginger remember? Likes cheese.”

“Does he like Jazz?” asked Dee.

“I don’t think he’d be offended by it, but he might prefer a bit of Tom Waits.” Said the woman, narrowing her eyes at Dee, and wondering how long to humour her.

“Emm likes Tom Waits.” said Dee.

“I just said that Dee, didn’t I? I’m going back to work. Listen, “ she said, cupping Dee’s chin in her hand and squeezing, “try not to worry so much OK? Have a drink of water, cool down. I’ll see you later.”

“Yes I will, thankyou. Um, excuse me miss…I er, don’t know your name.”

The woman took a long, deep breath and closed her eyes for a second. “I’ll see you later Dee.”

There were certain things Dee knew about. She knew the colours of the rainbow, and had always assumed that others saw the same colours as her. She knew men could be colour-blind, and that it was rare, or rarer, or even impossible for women to be…..now which was it? Was it women who were colour-blind and men who saw in black and white? She also knew about things like anaemia, bulimia and amnesia. And that she might have to check herself into the hospital with one of them. At this point it might be safer to take a taxi to the doctor’s.

“Do you have an appointment?” said the receptionist?

“I don’t think so. Is it possible to see a doctor today?”

“Sorry? Erm yes it is. But we just need to know if you are registered with us?”

“Well, yes I am, but I have to check, because I’m not entirely sure.”

“Sorry? Erm, OK, what is your surname please.”

“Now, that I know. It’s…it’s…it’s….”

“Sorry?”

“I’m having a problem and I need to see a doctor.”

“I’ll put you down to see Dr. Thebly. Take a seat, and fill in this form while you’re waiting.”

“I know Dr. Thebly.” Exclaimed Dee. “I know him, he’ll have my records.” Dee was beside herself with relief. It felt like a wave of warmth and calm had enveloped her. She’d done the right thing once today. “Hello Mrs Hyde.” Said Dr. Thebly. He was a slight, timid man with an uncharacteristic sympathy for euthanasia. He gestured towards a chair.

“Dr. I’ve had to take a rational stand,” she said, taking the seat. “I’ve come to you because I think my husband is a woman, and the cat is my daughter. But my husband has lost his name. He’s given it to a black man with ginger hair, and I’ve not met him. He drinks milk.”

“A rational stand eh, Mrs Hyde? A Dee Hyde rational stand? That’s a new one.” He laughed, and took out his ball point. On a prescription pad, he drew the face of a banobo, and gave it to her. “You know, Mrs Hyde, I’ve met far worse than you. I had a man in here earlier in fact, and I said to him, ‘you share more DNA with an ape than most people. This man, he stared at me for some time, but never said anything. Unfortunately, Mrs Hyde, there wasn’t enough difference between him and that banobo, for him to work out a decent retort. Suffice to say I had thought it better to get out of his way then, lest he reacted instinctively. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“No, no, thankyou.” said Dee, and left for the chemist, where she handed over the prescription. The pharmacist looked at it and tutted. “They get worse don’t they?” she said. Then went in the back for the pills.

Dee arrived home exhausted. At the front door, something gave in her back and she fell to the floor. Grappling around on the pavement for the dropped keys, she realised she couldn’t get back up. It must have been the fall this morning. “Did I fall this morning?” she thought. At least she’d unlocked the door before slipping a disc. Why hadn’t Dr Thebly spotted it? She crawled into the living room through the hall. On the way to the kitchen, she stepped in a stray piece of cheese and trailed it into the living room carpet. Stopping for a second, she raised her arm and nibbled a few speckles of cheese from her palm and then, launching herself on to the couch, she fell asleep.

Dee woke to the sound of stifled giggles. She peeked through one eye for a second, to see if she could observe without being seen. Realising she was surrounded, she sat up suddenly, and surveyed the area quickly with a view to escaping unhurt. When she focussed properly, she could see lots of people, and recognised them. Most of them. Some she hadn’t seen for years. Then, before she had time to stretch the aches and pains away, it began. “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, dear Dee, eee. Happy Birthday to you.”

“Oh, oh. Thankyou,” said Dee. “Thankyou very much, I er, I thought you’d all forgotten.”

“Well, you can think what you want, all you like Dee, but it won’t stop us, or you, from celebrating today.” It was Samantha, or ‘Sammy’ as they called her. She sidled beside her on the couch. Dee was usually a little wary of her, but since everyone else agreed with her today, and there were little cries for a speech, she gave her the benefit of the doubt. Ben took it upon himself to provide it. He straightened his broad shoulders and with his coarse voice, said as gently as he could, “You’ve been in this house for a year now and, although we were all a bit apprehensive of one another to begin with, I think we all get on really well. I mean, despite some fundamental differences.” They all laughed knowingly.

“At the end of the day, we like having you around, and clearly,” he said, nodding upwards, and to the right, “so do they.”

Ben lived a couple of doors down. He was getting on a bit. His moustache was grey at least, and a little nicotine stained, although he had never smoked in his life. Most of the others were friends of friends, and acquaintances in passing, but they were all from the area, and all of different ages and backgrounds. Ben always shouted loudly from the end of the street whenever he saw her. Dee had seen a gleam in his eye when they first saw one another, and had thought at the time that, had he not been in company, he’d have made a bee line for her every time. She since found out it was just his way. Sammy lived next door and at first Dee thought she’d never get on with her. She was long haired and beautiful. But she was insecure and defensive with it. They never fought about anything, but neither did they become close. Maybe it would change now that she’d settled herself in finally.

“So,” said Ben, “when will they be providing the grub, for our celebration?”

“Why do you always play the pronoun game with them Ben?” said Sammy. “They’ have names you know.”

“Well I know that, but since when did they respond to them? I wonder sometimes whether they have a language system, or if it’s just a noise that they make.”

“They understand more than you think.” said Sammy. “The other day I was having a snooze on the chair. I woke up, stretched, and said ‘oh that feels better’, and I heard ‘I should think so, you’ve been asleep for hours.’ So you see, they understand every word you say.”

“That’s just coincidence.” Said Ben. “How do you know that’s exactly what they said, for a start?”

“Oh come on Ben. You get to know these things after a while. You build up a rapport. You know it yourself.”

“Well, it’s like I say, it’s a bit hit and miss isn’t it?” he sighed.

“I don’t know why it concerns you so much anyway.”

“I don’t, I just think it’s rude sometimes. I mean I could spend twenty minutes shouting at them, and it doesn’t go in. And all I’m asking is that they open the door a bit and let some fresh air in. I’d do it myself but….”

“I think you’re barking up the wrong tree,” cut in Sammy “because we’ve evolved to the point where we don’t have to do these things for ourselves. I know it can be frustrating when they don’t always comply, but I think that’s the price we’ve had to pay.”

“What are you all talking about?” said Dee.

“Yes, you’re right,” said Ben. “We do go off on some tangents when we get together don’t we?”

“No, I mean, what are you talking about? How long have I been asleep? I have been to the doctor’s haven’t I?”

“Yes, you have.” Said Sammy. “You’ve been asleep for a while Dee. Longer than usual, but that’s to be expected. It can be a bit traumatic.”

“What can?”

“Oh you know, the op. We’ve all had it dear. The drugs can knock you out for days. I was groggy after mine. And the nightmares…whooo. That was some trip I’ll tell you.”

“I thought the doctor was odd actually.” Said Dee. “ I’ve felt strange all day as a matter of fact. I’m still feeling a bit confused now.”

“Like I said, it’s to be expected. But I’ve always found Dr. Thebly to be very good, very fair.”

“But he drew a picture of a banobo on my prescription.” Said Dee. “I didn’t question it at the time. You know how it is. You always think of something after the fact, and kick yourself…”

“Mmmyes,” said Ben pensively. “Must have been the drugs. However, I have always found Dr. Thebly to have a sense of equality beyond humanity.”

“So have I.” said Sammy.

“I dreamt I was ….” Said Dee quietly. “I mean I dreamt I was one of…them!”

Ben and Sammy looked at each other and rolled their eyes in unison.

“Ugh, how beastly dear.” Said Sammy.

Dee’s heart leapt at the sight of Emm entering the room with a salmon mousse. A solitary candle burned from the centre, and as he placed it by her side, he blew out the flame. Dee felt a surge of love for Emm. She felt he understood her more than most, although he’d never quite mastered her language. She’d learned his faster than he’d learned hers, that was for sure. She had made all the right noises to signify peace, friendliness, reassurance and consolation, and he, for the most part, had returned them. He rubbed his palm on her face. She smiled at him, but he didn’t notice; he was too busy trying to save some mousse for her, since everyone else had taken it upon themselves to dive in.

“I know it’s been tough for you the last day or two petal,” said Emm. “Look who’s here to see you!” It was Beth, still wearing the stripey tights, followed by the strange woman.

Dee recoiled, pulling her face from Emm’s hand. She still didn’t know this woman. Who was she? “Who is she?” said Dee, loudly.

“Oh come on now, it’s only Dave.” Said Beth. “You’ve met him before sweetheart, at least once.”

“Dave? Dave?” cried Dee.

“He’s what we call a ‘punk’” said Beth, and tickled Dee’s ears playfully.

“Don’t worry Dee,” said Emm, and then whispered. “She’ll grow out of it. She still needs her mum really.”

“Dad!” cried Beth, slapping him on the arm. “Come on Dave, lets leave Emm with his ‘friends’.”

“Hey, cheeky. Don’t forget, your mum will be at the station at four o’clock.”

“Hope she’s had a good flight.” Said Beth.

Emm returned to Dee to give her his full attention. “Diane’s been to Borneo Dee, to study the wildlife there.” He kissed her gently on the top of her head and sighed. “She loves animals.”

Dee suddenly had an urge to check something, and dashing from Emm’s lap, ran to the top of the stairs and launched herself on to the bathroom sink. Facing herself in the mirror, she studied her reflection. Two ears, two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Covered in silky black and ginger. She pointed her face at the glass until her eyes crossed and her mouths met. She gave herself a sweet little kiss, and disappeared.